Palpitations: A Dress Rehearsal for Death?

The wind whispered in my ear, be afraid, be very afraid. And do it anyhow.

Lee Byrd

Last night when I returned home from work, we had no power. A big thunderstorm blew through and took down a power line. It took till around 9pm to reset things. So, what to do? Go for a walk on the beach? No, it’s raining. And lightening. Read? Silly woman, there is no light! Watch that video on my computer? Nope, the internet is also out! Ah, yea, I get it–nothing to do–except to do nothing. Sitting at the window, watching the rain, listening to the silence, so quiet! Mind drifts and returns. Breath comes and goes. The busyness of the day falls away as the sky grows dark. Nothing to do except do nothing.

I get these heart palpitations from time to time, I’ve been experiencing them for as long as I can remember. No reason that I can see as to when or why they happen, they just do. All the doctors over all the years tell me they are benign–nothing to do. Mostly they come and go so quickly, within seconds, that I hardly realize they’ve happened. But sometimes, especially when I am stressed or anxious, they seem to last a tiny bit longer and be a tiny bit more intense, so much so that I can actually feel my heart stop–only for a moment or two–and start, with a slight jolt. Nothing to do.

Just as I had truly surrendered to the darkness it happened–my heart skipped–and stopped–for less than a moment, just enough for me to take notice. Nothing new. Nothing to do. But here is the really cool part, the ah-ha moment, in that tiny fraction of a second I knew that I could die, right here, right now–it was completely possible (though not likely) that my heart might not start again. And I was ok with that. No, no–that’s an understatement–I wasn’t just ok, I was truly at peace with that knowing.

Don’t misunderstand me, even in my most darkest hours I’d never consider suicide, I have too much love and respect for life. My understanding of and respect for death has grown immensely over the last 10 plus years allowing a deep abiding trust in the process. I know that there will come a day when this amazing body will give it up and now I know, beyond a shadow of doubt, I will surrender– peacefully and completely. Nothing else to do.

The underlying ah-ha here is, last night in those tiny wee moments when my heart stopped and I came face to face with Death herself, one of my greatest fears, I didn’t blink. I sat there, mouth opened in awe, innocent and awake and aware, peacefully awaiting whatever was next. Death quietly hovering, vacillating on that most hallowed threshold, teasing, taunting, I swear I heard her laughing, softly whispering, “Not tonight my love, not tonight.”

It is as if these palpitations where a rehearsal of sorts for what is to come.

No. I did not nearly die, but in that nanosecond when my heart skipped and palpitated, I became aware of just how quickly it can happen and that solidified this knowing of how very precious and fragile this life is. So, here’s my message:

Do not waste time, do it now, even if you are afraid. Don’t wake up tomorrow with regrets. Life can be challenging, sometimes difficult, but it is always a delicious blessing. It is no mistake that we are here now, that we have taken human form. Make the most of this! Find your passion, your beautiful sacred passion and go for it. Don’t wait! Nothing to do. Everything to do.