Stop Your Boo-hooing!

Actually, grief hurts and boo-hooing helps ease that pain.

Grief is our emotional response to loss. It is generally associated with the loss of a loved one but also arises with any loss such as a terminal medical diagnosis, or the loss of a job, marriage, or home. Grief is often extremely intense and overwhelming causing deep mental anguish.

And everyone’s journey through grief is personal.

Death of anything or anyone is loss and is a natural inevitable part of life. All living things and all beings actually start the death process the moment of their first breath. All the great spiritual teachers have told us again and again, only the body leaves, the Soul lives on forever.

Death is nothing more than a transformation from this life to another or from this situation to another. Knowing this doesn’t make the loss any easier.

When my mother died I was devastated. Even though I knew it was simple a matter of when (she had been living with end-stage emphysema for several years), even though I thought I understood death, (where she was transitioning to, only the body dies, the soul lives forever, etc.); and even though I rehearsed the experience a million times, I still found I was unprepared emotionally for what I felt, for what I experienced the moment she stopped breathing.

Sad? Yes, of course. But a devastating, bitter, overwhelming sadness. I was angry at her, at God, at all the people who did not know and were seemingly enjoying a carefree life EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS GONE! How on earth could that happen?

I wanted to scream at everyone, “Stop! Don’t you know my mother just died? What is wrong with you?!” Yes, hysterics.

The Swampy Morass

Several days after her death, after dad had her cremated, after our non-funeral funeral, after my sister and brother returned home, I sat in the community hall in the small western Colorado town where I lived with my doting husband and our four dogs and one cat. It was a community potluck dinner celebrating Thanksgiving. I agreed to attend at Craig’s urging, sensing that he was growing weary, unable to pull me out of this black hole of despair. He sweetly argued that I needed a change of pace, a change of scenery, that it would be “helpful” to surround myself with good-hearted loving friends.

Feeling guilty for this unending swampy morass I was swimming in, I reluctantly agreed. I dressed–did I brush my teeth, my hair? Is this dress clean?–and got into the car. I stood in line at the serving table adorned with good-for-you, home grown veggies, sweets made without the evil sugar, no wine, no beer, just water. Or tea. Herbal tea. I stood and stared and could not find anything worth the effort.

Somehow something got onto my plate–probably Craig, forever the purveyor of what would be best/good for me, especially now when I couldn’t remember what day it was let alone if I had eaten anything that day or any day. I found myself sitting on a bench at a long picnic-type table staring at this plate overflowing with odd unappetizing blobs wondering what to do next when someone sitting across from me began to speak.

It appeared he was talking to me. Then I heard, “Sorry to hear about your mom but you know, she’s in a better place!“

To which I replied without missing a beat, “How the fuck do you know? And what the fuck is that suppose to mean? She may will be in a better place but I’m not!” Now tears are streaming down my face and I am chocking on the words.

I don’t remember what happened next. I think he got up and moved away from me, and who could blame him? I felt paralyzed with anger. I felt dismissed. “She’s in a better place so stop your boo-hooing!” Was this his attempt at being loving and supportive or was he intentionally being cruel? These words stung! They were brutal, self-satisfying and narcissistic!

Exploring Death and Grief

Now, more than 20 years later, I understand so much more of what happened. We humans are innately wired to be loving and compassionate and that leaves us with a beautiful deep desire to help, we naturally want to ease the pain of others. That night all those years ago, my friend was groping for words that would relieve my pain and his discomfort. He was not deliberately being insensitive, he truly was trying to be helpful.

What happened that evening for me was my reaction to my friends fear which, of course, triggered my fear. Neither of us understood that our reaction was not bad or wrong, it was simply unresolved feelings around death. Emotions are just emotions, they are normal and naturally arises. Our task isn’t to try to not feel anger or any emotion, our task is merely to allow the feelings. And that ability is within every single Soul.

Some years later, when my beloved Craig died (see the blog post, Denial, Not a River in Egypt), I had a lot more knowing about and a lot less fear about death. This time, I didn’t try to prepare, I didn’t rehearse. I did allow my denial to keep me afloat during the days and nights. Yes, I cried! Lots and lots of tears during his hospice and after he let go. This time, the pain I experienced was just the pain – I didn’t try to make sense of any of it but rather felt it through my heart.

Self-Care and Support

• Call or text 988. This is a national crisis line, you will be connected to a mental health worker. They are there to listen and offer emotional support.
• If you are part of a spiritual organization, reach out to them and ask for support, it is always part of their services.
• Call a friend and ask them to simple listen.
• Meditate — sit quietly for a few minutes several times a day. Nature is a great healer.
• Movement such as yoga or walking
• Breath-work (see Dan Brule website, Optimal Breathing)
• Cry. Grieve. Moan. Scream. It’s all ok. Promise. The sun will come out tomorrow. And one day you will wake up and notice that it hurts a little bit less.
• Most importantly, please remember to be very tender with yourself.

Body Awareness Meditation:

https://www.leebyrdmystic.com/about/meditation/4237-2/

Using Essential Oils for Grief Support:

https://www.leebyrdmystic.com/sample-page/grief/

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