Invite Your Demons to Tea

The only thing more exhausting than being depressed is pretending that you’re not.

Anonymous

DISCLAIMER: This post is NOT about how to rid yourself of depression or any intense, uncomfortable emotion. Just the opposite! If you truly desire emotional freedom, gather up your courage and keep reading.

Overwhelmed

I woke today (and yesterday to be perfectly honest) to the oppressive weight of depression. The overwhelming sadness, fear, and feeling like a foreigner in my own body, could no longer be denied. Depression in all her glory had once again taken up residency in my heart.

Years ago a compassionate therapist suggested that, at times like this, it would be helpful to make a list of all things I am grateful for. So, I hopped out of bed and grabbed my journal and started my list:

• My beautiful home on the ocean
• My brilliant, kind and loving daughter and her husband
• Oh, and my witty, cleaver, smart grandson who is always willing to help
• Friends! (I made an extensive list of loving friends and included their attributes – what they contributed to make my life richer)
• Sunday Morning Meditation – this has been a life-line for me these past few years
• My day job as an office manager and assistant for an amazing chiropractic doctor
• And let’s not forget my car – yes! My cute, (even sexy) little mini cooper that is so much fun to drive.

After finishing the list which really was quite extensive, I did feel a little better. Full of hope that I’d put this recent bout to rest, I jumped up, showered & dressed, took pups out and grabbed some coffee. I was ready to co-facilitate the Sunday group.

Our session together was, as usual, uplifting. I stepped away feeling as if something significant had been accomplished. I do good work, I told myself. What I do matters, I repeated softly to myself.

Waiting for Inspiration

I rested, ate some leftover pasta for lunch, and chatted with family. My daughter woke this morning with stabbing pain in her eye only to discover that she had a stye. We all went to work googling what had caused it and how to help. So comforting. 

Determined to get some work done, I returned to my nifty, newly remodeled office space and turned on my computer and opened up a new blank document. And sat there watching the cursor blinking waiting for inspiration to strike. Ok, I said, fine, be like that, I just need to disconnect for now and let the universe direct me. 

Moving to my meditation/TV watching space, I picked up a journal. Breathe. Several rounds of deep breathing later, still no inspiration and no desire to write. No desire to do anything, not my beloved sudoku puzzle, not watch my favorite astrologist explain today’s planet alignment, nothing. 

Now I’m angry. And overwhelmed with guilt and shame and self-pity. My depression made worse. How dare I feel this way when I have so much!

Recognizing Resistance

Here is what I missed (or resisted), once again: there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling depressed or angry or sad or frightened. Emotions are just emotions and the more we judge them as wrong or bad and try to stop them from flowing, the more intense they become until they totally engulf us. 

Making a list of things I was grateful for was not meant to stop the depression. It is a very useful and powerful tool to help my nervous system and emotional body to come back into balance. This then allows me to see what is really going on.

Emotions are a natural part of our lives. They serve as reminders of unresolved issues. Remember, we possess the innate ability to meet and resolve these feelings. Or not. Our choice, always.

 My Zen master friend and therapist always encouraged me to indulge in my pity, but also give it a deadline – a day, a week, a month – and at the end of that time, step out and embrace your life just as it is, depression and all.

Invite your demons in for tea.

Ram Dass

Shall I Pour Our Tea?

Once I realized that I was still resisting, I managed to do a few things that allowed me to sit with and surrender to my depression. Finally, by evening the intensity lessened and in my evening silence, I felt my heart open. 

Here are a few tools in my box that I find helpful:

Breath work – my favorite is to breathe in, hold for only a moment, and release very slowly (always slower than the in-breath)

Silence – allowing myself to sit with the physical sensations and discomfort of the depression is restorative

Movement – walking outside is best for me but if that is not possible, a few rounds of sun-salutations is helpful

Body work – such as massage, is useful in releasing the tension and energy

Journaling – especially listing my blessings & gratitudes

Again, we all have the innate ability to meet our various emotions. It is in the meeting and allowing that we find the gift of Presence. 

Be here. Now. Because this is all there is.

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