Falling Apart

The Freakout!

It is very early on a Thursday morning. I am awakened by the excruciating pain that suddenly and without notice, rips throughout my body when I try to get out of bed. I manage to prop myself up on my elbows and call out for help. My knees are swollen to the size of small cantaloupes. My left far larger than my right. What is happening, I cry, as panic sets in.

At the ER they take X-rays, draw blood, and test the fluid they drain out of my left knee. Arthritis, they say. But how? when? I cry. Because they did drain some of the fluid from my left knee, I can put a small amount of weight on it now. Still not enough to stand without assistance. The pain is relentless, my body still throbbing, screaming at me to do something.

But what?

The next day is the same – knees swollen, body pain relentless and will not allow me to get out of bed. Off to the ER once more. They offer absolutely no help, no answers. Go home, ice it, see your primary, bla bla bla …

Now I am freaking out! Oh, holly shit, what the hell is happening?

Can Anybody Help?

I’m a healthy woman. I am rarely ill and I don’t generally take medications and when I do it is something like ibuprofen. I do yoga and walk. I meditate. I get chiropractic adjustments and massages regularly. Why is this happening to me?

I am advised to call my primary doctor – the one I don’t have. Ok. I ask my friends and start making calls. Who knew that most are either not taking new patients or not scheduling anyone new till the summer? I can’t wait, I cry! But still I persist. And I talk with my guides and angels, asking for help, asking for a miracle. A friend reaches out on FaceBook and suggests I call her doctor. Once again I stop and sit quietly, breathing, observing my body sensations, asking for help.

Yes, they are taking new patients and guess what? They can get me in the day after tomorrow. Yes, I do believe in miracles.

I see this doctor. She listens with both her ears and her heart. No, she has no answers. The last words she said to me were: Please do not worry, we will get to the bottom of this, I promise. My fears begin to melt just a tiny bit. Breathe, my guides whisper, we got this.

There is so much to do: setting up appointments for more tests and x-rays, appointments to see other doctors. The list seems endless and when I look, my anxiety spirals out of control. I have help, lots of help, but still I feel like I am all alone here. Why? Old habits zoom to the surface. I want to pull the covers over my head and disappear. I don’t want to do this!

Creating Inner Peace

I know what to do. I know what I would tell you if we were working together on this issue. I’d say, spend time getting quiet, doing breath work, body-awareness and meditation. Journal, ask the tough questions and allow the answers to emerge. And mostly, be tender with yourself, you’ve got this, I promise.

Surrendering to what is here at this moment is the first and most important step, is the portal to inner peace What we want, more than anything, is to be here now even in the midst of the most excruciating pain. The good news is, we all posses the ability to do just that, to meet what is arising for us in any given moment. It is innate, it is our birthright. It may, however, take practice.

Stop. Here in this moment. Stop and take in a long deep breath. Look around your environment, and notice how your body feels right now. This moment is all there is. Ever. When we stop and find the courage to let go of all the shoulds and coulds, we begin to heal our past and open our future to possibilities yet unseen. This is where the magic begins. This is where we fall apart.

We are not striving to make pain go away, or to become a better person. In fact, we are giving up control altogether and letting concepts and ideals fall apart.

Pema Chodron

From this place of letting go we have the ability to see that our emotions are not good or bad, they are simply energy asking to be seen, felt and ultimately released. Life happens, we get triggered and our habit is to fall into reactivity. This means we are living in our past and not being fully present.

Denying or ignoring our pain only fuels that flame, keeping the hurt alive. When uncomfortable emotions are present, it is a beautiful opportunity to free ourselves from the chains of the past. Letting go is falling apart. It is embracing life. It is loving ourselves unconditionally. It is integrating our humanness with our Divinity. 

Yes! If we are willing to do the work, life can and does change in ways we have yet to imagine. Here we find the courage to rebuild and embrace our True Nature: Tenderness. Love. Compassion.

This is not always easy but I promise, it is so worth the effort. It takes tenacity, vigilance, and a strong commitment to a life free of pain and suffering.

Are you ready?

Body Awareness Practice

One of the most direct ways we can experience Presence is through body awareness. Here is a simple exercise that I do daily (and at times when difficult emotions arise). 

Start by creating a daily practice of body awareness. This simple exercise helps us step out of the current drama so that we can see more clearly what is really going on. And this allows the nervous system and the emotional body to come to rest.

Find or create a safe sacred space where there will be little or no distraction. Get comfortable. I love to diffuse some essential oil and light a candle.

As you settle in, take a few moments to look around your environment. Notice what is there, colors, sounds, smells, etc.

Now, close your eyes and do three or more rounds of intentional breathing. I love the Square Breathe for this because it aids in concentration:

• Equal parts: 4 count inhale-4 count hold-4 count exhale -4 count hold. Repeat.
• Become the observer by bringing your awareness inward to the physical sensations in your body. No judgment or need to fix or change anything — just a gentle tender noticing.
• Start with the feet and slowly bring your awareness up the body — notice the bottom and top, the back, sides and front of each part of your body.
• Is there resistance, contraction? Notice that.

Spend some time here in this awareness space. When you are ready, take out your journal and note how you feel now.

• Share what sensations arose while scanning your body. Where were they located in your body?
• What emotions did you experience? Were you able to find them within your body?

This is your life, what do you want to do with it?
Magic can only happen if you are willing.

Lee Byrd