Trust: Leaning Into Knowing

A thing happened a few months ago that turned my world inside out and upside down. It seemed at the time to come on suddenly and without warning. But in hindsight I see there were many of those pesky red flags.

I got sick. Very sick.

I was working at a job that had become extremely stressful. Although I would gain short reprieves by using the tools I have to deal with stress, when the boss would discover yet another thing that was done incorrectly, the stress would return with a vengeance. Now I see that the way I was using the tools – breath work, meditation and journaling – provided nothing more than a band-aid. I was too busy fixing everyone and every thing. I was too busy ignoring my heart. I was too busy struggling with my sense of unworthiness.

I was in denial. And then I got sick. Very sick.

Denial

I ignored the stress. I kept blaming myself. I was listening to old programming that said the boss must be right and I must be wrong. After all, he was the one with the initials after his name. After all, he owned the business. After all, who did I think I was?

I had a morbid fear of being fired, a horrible fear of being rejected. Was I really that stupid, that slow, that inadequate? Did everyone know?

Universal Law

I was in so much emotional pain that it didn’t occur to me I might be in denial. Every time something went wrong, I’d blame myself. I kept doing the breath work, meditation and journaling with the intention of letting go of the anxiety and subsequent stress. All my energy was going towards pushing away the pain and hurt not in looking at what was really going on.

Looking back I see that I was so caught in the story of what was wrong with me, I wasn’t even listening to my higher self, my heart, my Soul. I was completely focused on every way I was inept and unacceptable. What was wrong with me?

Universal law states that what we put our attention on we call into our life. I did not deal with the stress, I ignored it thinking if I don’t look at it, if I don’t say ‘I’m stressed,’ it would vanish. Lie!

Finally my sweet body had enough! Stop, listen, she was saying. And I turned a deaf ear. So she got louder and her whispers turned to screams. And I got sick, very sick. I landed in the ER and then in bed for several weeks. The first thing my Chinese Medicine doctor said was that all the trauma I was carrying around had been activated, which was begging to be released.

Everything changed.

From Denial to Trust

You know that saying: When one door closes another opens up? It has taken me some time, some (well, lots of) tears, and a bit of trusting the magic but I have again mustered up the courage to look at the fear and the issues that have come up. This is a good thing, a freeing thing. But it is, for me, incredibly messy.

I was ignoring the stress because part of me didn’t want to face the trauma, it was ugly and painful. I just wanted it (stress and trauma) to go away. There is a reason friends nicknamed me the queen of denial.

Then I lost the job. I didn’t just lose the job, I got fired. It was ugly.

This brought me to my knees. I was at that proverbial bottom, trapped by my own fear. What to do now? I wallowed in self-pity. And cried, lots and lots of crying. Then, like the lyrics of the song, I stood up, dusted myself off, and prepared to start again.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

First came the realization that this was what I wanted all along – to not have this job. It is what I’d been asking the universe for. I now had the freedom to write, to teach, to pursue my dreams. Ok, good, I said. But how am I going to support myself?

I sat down, pen to paper, and asked my Soul, ‘what now?’ She immediately replied – do what you love, what you are passionate about, and trust your guides and angels to do the rest. Trust? Of course I trust you – but I just have to tell you how to do your job, ok? And there it was – the moment of reckoning. I was being asked to let go and, yes, let the Divine take control.

As I child I had no control over my body or my life. At some point, as a way of surviving, I did my best to gain and maintain control. In fact, I became obsessed with being in control. And now I was being asked to let go and trust. Because I was at the bottom of the bottom, and still in my human body, I let go. What else could I do?

Leaning Into Knowing

Trust is the knowing of who we are, at the core. When we trust we don’t engage in the game of not-good-enough. Trust is embracing our True Divine Nature. Trust is required if we chose a life of emotional freedom.

To live free from the chains of the past, we must be honest and commit ourselves to live authentically. Integrity demands that we love ourselves completely, unconditionally and trust the universe.

This is a new adventure for me. I thought I’d retire from that job, not get fired. I understand now that by focusing on what was wrong with me, I created these circumstances. I am excited to begin this next chapter. I am excited to see what will come next.

Essential Oils to Help

I recommend three Young Living Essential Oil blends to use here:

Acceptance – helps to open us up to accept what is here now (the starting point for change)

Trauma Life – calms and soothes the nervous system, helps uproot trauma stored in the cells of the body

Joy – initiates memories of unconditional love, the love that is our True Divine Self

Please read this disclaimer regarding the use of essential oils: https://www.leebyrdmystic.com/about/contact/disclaimer/

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