Eeek! Take Responsibility for How I Feel?

The prerequisite for succeeding at facing fear, self-doubt and lack, is that we must be willing to take responsibility for how we feel. As long as we are caught in the endless trap of blaming other people and situations for our pain, we go nowhere. In fact, blaming enslaves us, keeps us prisoners of the past. 

If you are not responsible for your state of consciousness, you are not taking responsibility for your life.

Eckhart Tolle

I don’t know of one single person who wants pain and suffering, do you? I don’t wake up in the morning and consciously look for memories or instances that bring up fear. Yet somehow those thoughts lurk, never far away. 

Here is what I have discovered on this journey: Most of the things I fear aren’t real and the few things that are, aren’t really that scary. I’ve also discovered that when I muster up the courage to face these feelings, go with the flow, and see them for what they are, they lose their power over me. 

Everybody Says Go With the Flow! How the Hell Do I Do That?

My husband, Craig, was diagnosed with congestive heart failure in 2005. We lived in Western Colorado, elevation 6000 feet. The high elevation made breathing difficult so we packed up and moved. We landed on the east coast in 2007. Living at the lower elevation helped, but still his body was weak. He entered hospice in January of 2009 and died that April.

Taking care of everything in the wake of his death plus piecing together a living, left me with little to no time for socializing and community building. Most of my close friends were back in Colorado, and although we communicated regularly, the usual things that friends do–movies, dinners, days hanging out–couldn’t happen. And that was ok. I had family, co-workers and neighbors. I never felt I was missing out.

So I got a day job. A big part of my work required interacting with clients and staff, something I excel at. However, I’m an introvert, and this took a toll on my energy. By the end of the day, I welcomed my alone time. 

Then the unthinkable happened: One day I was fine and the next day I couldn’t get out of bed. I lost my day job and the work community that had become such an integral part of my life. My work community–staff and clients alike, disappeared in a blink. 

Community isn’t a numbers game, it’s not about how many friends I have or where they live or what they can do for me. It’s about recognizing that I am never ever alone. As humans our mental and emotional health depend on maintaining our ability to adapt, to go with the flow. 

They Said, Just Let It Go! But They Didn’t Tell Me How.

When I lost my job, this meant I lost my income, which resulted in selling my car because I could not make the payments. Initially I was terrified. I’ve worked since I was old enough to babysit and have always trusted that I could find work and support myself. Yet losing it all ripped away this trust.

This latest hiccup was simply another pause along the way, another opportunity to let go. But exactly what was I letting go of? I’d gladly hand over my pain and fear, just tell me how.

The discomfort from the lack of trust was overwhelming and made the grief worse. I kept hearing the voice that said, “Let it go.” It took me a couple weeks of wallowing and feeling sorry for myself before I was ready to move on. 

Finally, feeling I had nothing to lose, I laid back and surrendered, trusting in my own innate ability to heal. It took awhile, because this was a big loss, but in time the fear subsided. I adapted, stumbled a bit, and now I am able to let go and go with the flow. 

As a single mom I had perfected the art of bouncing a crying toddler on my hip while stirring the pot for dinner. When my beloved Craig died, I learned that as painful as it was, I could live without him. When I lost my job, I discovered my real community: My long-time besties, new friends who joined in the conversation, and my readers.  

Who was I kidding? I knew I’d benefit by facing my feelings and taking responsibility for them. And I knew how. I had the tools and had shared them countless times with others. Time to get to work. 

My Tools: What I Did and Still Do

Simple. Just three easy steps: 

1. Breathwork – Always start with breathwork because it’s easy and can be done anywhere at any time when fear and anxiety arise. Breathing helps balance the nervous system and stabilize our emotional body. Here is a simple exercise to help you get started: (https://www.leebyrdmystic.com/breath-work-beginner-embodiment-exercise/). 

2. Body Awareness – Take time in the morning and evening to consciously scan your physical body, noticing the sensations that are present. Do this as the observer, just witness what is here in the moment. Our physical body tells us when we are not being present, when reactivity is arising. Knowing when we are in reactivity is the first step in letting the past go. Here is a recording of my body-awareness guided meditation: (https://www.leebyrdmystic.com/about/meditation/4237-2/)

3. Journaling – Keeping your awareness on your physical body, describe what the Body Awareness exercise felt like and what, if anything, came up for you. Frustration? Relaxation? Confusion? Clarity? See if you can step out of judgment and just notice. And if not, write about that. (https://www.leebyrdmystic.com/self-inquiry-journaling/)

From here, think about creating a plan, a kind of personal daily practice for yourself. Some days I do this in a rather routine, matter-of-fact sort of way. Other times I make it a ritual with candles, soft music and essential oils.

Letting go is simple and it works. But we must be willing to take full responsibility for how we feel. We must be willing to step out of the chains of the past. As one of my teachers said, we must prioritize freedom.