Am I Shoulding on Myself?

I am a busy woman. I have a long list of projects that I should do. Everything from dealing with everyday household chores to updating my website, demands my attention—sometimes all at the same time. So I make lists. 

I love making lists for a number of reasons. Of course there is the pleasure I get from completing a task and crossing it off the list. My primary motive is to keep my tasks visible so I don’t drop the ball. My to-do list keeps me focused and sane.

These days, I wake in the morning, do a little breathwork and meditate. Once the dogs have been fed, I settle in for a cup of coffee and organize my day. Creating my daily to-do list is a ritual of sorts. I approach it mindfully, listing each task as if it were the most precious, most important thing I have to do. I pay close attention to how I feel as I write, softly noting that this task is something I choose to do.

For many years I fell prey to feeling victimized by all the tasks I should be doing. I had no time for me. I made myself into a martyr, constantly singing, woe is me. 

Now, by shifting my awareness to how I feel, I disengage from the story of martyrdom. I free myself, reclaiming my innate ability to decide what I want to do, what I could do, rather than what I should do. Then I choose how I want to feel. 

Mindful awareness allows me to objectively see my to-do list of tasks for what they are–sometimes simple or sometimes challenging activities, nothing more. Then, I find acceptance that these tasks are the next thing on my list, rather than seeing them as a burden.

Through this practice of awareness and acceptance, I make choices that better serve me, reinforcing and strengthening trust in myself.

The word “should” is so stuffy and ridgid. It implies that there is no choice, that this is something that must be done. If, instead, I ask myself what I “could” do, a world of possibilities opens up. I could enjoy the task of vacuuming by turning up the music and dancing while I vacuum.

Or I could complete this writing project and then take a break and go for a walk along my favorite path.

Shoulds’ come only from leftover thinking. If we are truly in this moment (the only one there really is), we don’t should on ourselves.

Kelly Corbet

There are times in our lives when it appears we have no choice and then set ourselves up for making either/or choices out of fear. I hear people say this all the time: I have no choice, I have to do this or get fired.  Or if I don’t do this, she/he will leave.  Or I must do that or _____(fill in the blank). Allowing the narrowness of fear to dominate our decisions is a setup for resentment and suffering.

What would happen if rather than falling prey to what we should do, we creatively and objectively looked at every possible option and asked, what could we do? What happens is that our attitude towards life changes. We step out of feeling victimized and begin to feel empowered and in control. Our life naturally becomes richer, there is more ease, more spaciousness, more time for fun and enjoyment. 

Every moment of every day we make decisions–what tasks to complete, what to eat, what to wear, what to say, etc. The status quo will always dictate what we should do. It is important for us to remember, we always have a choice. What could we do instead? 

…don’t worry too much about what someone else says you “should” do. Know what you want to do and why it’s important to you.

Melissa Steginus

I invite you to play with this concept. It has made an enormous difference in my life by taking me out of victimhood and survival and into living a life of my choice.