Trauma Response: Dress Rehearsal for Catastrophe

The doctors took the family aside and told us she was in the end-stage of emphysema and we should prepare ourselves. So I did.

I was terrified, the thought of losing my mom was paralyzing. I lay awake at night for hours trying to feel how it would feel to see her dead. Why? Because I had some misguided sense, from experiencing other trauma, that if I could feel it now it would hurt less than when it actually happened—a kind of dress rehearsal for catastrophe. Makes perfect sense, right?

This morning, waiting for the coffee to brew, I stood gazing out the window at the beautiful fall day unfolding. I noticed some tension, a little anxiety in my gut and immediately took several deep breaths and closed my eyes asking why I felt that way. Then I remembered–minutes before coming into the kitchen there was that email, the one notifying me that our Thanksgiving dinner reservation had been canceled.

For an instant, instead of seeing this for what it was, a simple change in dinner plans, my mind grabbed the issue and made up a story of how upset everyone was going to be and all the drama that would follow. It is important to note here that at this point, I hadn’t spoken to any of the others about this dilemma. Breathing and allowing my mind-body to come to rest put it all in perspective. The anxiety vanished.

My power to release the anxiety comes from my awareness of what was really going on. The fear had nothing to do with dinner reservations–that was a disappointment, not a catastrophe. It had everything to do with habit, an old useless habit of assuming the worst. 

A Healthy Trauma Response

This is a trauma response, and it is built on the past. Upon recognizing this I was able to take a few moments, and simply be with the sensations allowing me to step out of the story that my brain wanted to shove down my being—into reactivity for what could become a full blown catastrophe.

Two days before my mother’s death, she asked me to take her shopping. She sat in the motorized wheelchair, navigating the isles of the crowded store, directing me as to what objects to put into her basket. I followed, we chatted, commenting on the various things she was putting in her cart, who they were for and why. It was a simple, beautiful act of love. 

That was the last time I’d see her, speak with her, laugh with her.  

My rehearsing for the moment of her death did not help, not even a little. On a balmy September morning, my mother passed away rather peacefully in the ICU with her family around. To see her lying there lifeless still hurts—lots.

Today’s rearranged plans for dinner? Our dinner was perfect in every sense of the word. The entire day was a magical adventure of first finding a place open on Thanksgiving and then collecting everyone who was attending. We laughed and ate and shared the joy of being together–family. We hugged and spoke of our gratitude for our many blessings. 

Trying to brace myself for the future with fear and anxiety has never worked. In fact, staying in that trauma always backfires. Trying to feel what it would be like to lose Mom before the actual event kept me perpetually chained to the fear, the fear I was trying so desperately to escape from. 

I now know this and, like this morning, becoming aware and simply allow the emotions to be here, I respond in such a different way, a way that empowers me to be fully Present. Awareness followed by acceptance is what deactivates and eventually dissolves the fear. 

Help Yourself

First, breathe. Simply bringing you attention to your breath, noticing the inhale and then the exhale helps bring your nervous system into balance. This place of balance gives us the inner space to recognize and step out of the story. Once I noticed my tension regarding the email, I was quickly able to lean back and go with the flow which made my day so much more enjoyable.

Next, bring your awareness to your body and note what physical sensations you feel. For me, it’s almost always my gut. That is what alerted me this morning.

Again, breathe into those sensations and just ask yourself, is this–the sensations, not the story–ok, can I simply allow this now? Be tender and always honest, there is not right or wrong, it is simply an awareness. 

Consider journaling about your experience.

What this does is it trains you to become aware of when reactivity is happening and gives you the option of either being in that state or deciding to step out and make another choice. It is always up to you–no right or wrong, good or bad.

So, what do you say? Choose a life of emotional freedom or a life being a slave to the past. 

This is recognizing and embracing life as it is.