And Sure Enough, They’re Yours!
~Richard Bach
Arguing for your limitations means making excuses about why we cannot or will not do something different. Making excuses is limiting ourselves, it gives us permission to not be responsible for our lives and the choices we make. When we argue that we are limited in our capacity to do something differently, then we certainly are.
Several years ago I worked with a young man that was referred to me by a friend, we’ll call him Arnold. He was addicted to nicotine and had tried countless times to quit smoking but always failed. His inability to quit left him feeling stuck and powerless which resulted in low self esteem and a sense of worthlessness. He was caught in an endless cycle of self destruction–he’d quit, feel good, get stressed, smoke and feel crappy about himself and his life. He couldn’t see a way out.
When friends and family would offer help he’d always find an excuse to either not take their advice or not follow through. Someone suggested the patch, he said it made him sick. Someone else suggested joining a support group, he argued he didn’t have time. He grumbled that he tried cutting down, and that didn’t work either. Arnold argued passionately for his limitations, which contributed to the endless cycle of smoking and quitting.
In essence Arnold was saying, it’s not my fault and I can’t do anything about it.
Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right.
Henry Ford
Power vs. Powerlessness
We started our work together by first coming face to face with his resistance, and taking responsibility for his refusal to get and follow through with help. Together we took apart each of his excuses: him explaining in great detail, me simply asking questions designed to help him reflect on the truth of that excuse.
Slowly he started to see that he was the only one impeding his recovery by believing he had no power, no control. He could see that he didn’t have power over his use of nicotine, but he did have power over how he coped with life on life’s terms.
This awareness allowed him to uncover the truth: smoking had become his security, it helped him to cope with feelings, his underlying fears and a sense of unworthiness he’d carried around his entire life.
By identifying how he was responding to his emotions, he learned new ways to feel his feelings and let go of them instead of smoking at them or stuffing them. It took time and work on his part to accept his feelings for being what they are: not good or bad, simply a naturally occurring human state, and one that passes.
In time, he was able to deal with feelings in a new way and replace his old limiting behaviors with new ones, which enabled him to quit smoking. The last I spoke with him, he’d been nicotine-free for three plus years. Not an easy feat but one that changed his life.
No, this is not a quick fix. To face those old ways of dealing with emotions and to sit with them while they pass takes a real commitment to yourself, a commitment to live a life free from the past. Arnold stepped out of the muck and trusted the flow of life.
Acquiring New Tools
Instead of smoking Arnold learned to identify when he was feeling the need to soothe and comfort himself instead of accepting what he was feeling. He learned that he was in control of how he dealt with his emotions. He used breath work to calm and balance his nervous system so that he could explore what was really going on in the moment.
By incorporating body awareness into his daily personal practice, he gave himself the gift of knowing when he was moving from Presence and into reactivity.
And finally I suggested he write and journal about his journey from addiction to sobriety. He uses the Self-Inquiry method to start off allowing him to share his feelings and ask, “What is really going on for me?”
Finding Emotional Freedom
Emotional freedom simply means we take back control of how we want to feel about any situation at any time and how we respond to life on life’s terms. It is our birthright as humans to have these coping skills. The work opens up the self-imposed limitations of making excuses. Practicing this new way of living requires tenacity and a commitment to being responsible for how we feel and how we respond.
Moving through the Inquiry process takes time and can be challenging but it is so worth the effort to reach emotional freedom AND freedom from nicotine addiction—just ask Arnold!
A Suggested Practice
Identifying and Eliminating Our Limitations
This work is about becoming aware of our self-imposed limitations, those that we create when we say things like, I’m not smart enough or I don’t have time, etc. Once we have identified them, we make friends with them. Accepting the fact that we created the beliefs empowers us to make the necessary changes to free ourselves.
Here is a suggestion based on my current daily practice. I have massaged this over the years to fit my life and my ever changing preferences–I strongly suggest you do the same, make it yours and be open to making changes as life changes.
Some days I make this a ritual by lighting candles and diffusing one of my favorite essential oils. Other days I just do it in bed before I get up and just after I turn lights out.
- Place yourself in a safe space with little or no distractions.
- Spine straight but not rigid.
- Close your eyes and bring your awareness to your breath–three or more rounds of breath-work (https://www.leebyrdmystic.com/about/teachings/breath-work-beginner-embodiment-exercise/)
- Expand your awareness to include your entire body noticing the physical sensations as you scan head to toe, back to front, upper and lower extremities.
- Take out your journal and note first how you feel especially emotionally. Then ask yourself, “where do I impose limits on myself?”
- Write about that–don’t edit, just pen-to-paper and let the words flow.
Disclaimer
My expertise is in dealing with the feelings and emotions that often lead to addictive behavior as a way to numb out and avoid feelings. If you are experiencing serious addictive behavior, please contact your doctor.
Written in collaboration with my dear friend Aimee Colmery, artist, writer, teacher.