My husband was a meditator. He oozed a loving, gentle nature that I attribute to his daily meditation practice. I envied his inner confidence and comfort.
Craig knew my story. He knew the emotional baggage I was schlepping around and wanted to help. For him meditation was a big part of the answer, it was a tool that helped him let go of past issues and simply come to rest with himself as he was. And he wanted that for me.
But my resistance was strong.
I was so intimidated by and afraid of my emotions that the very thought of being alone with these emotions terrified me. I was living in a constant state of fight, flight, and freeze.
An opportunity came up for a couples meditation retreat near our home in western Colorado, and naturally, he encouraged me to attend.
“Try it, you’ll love it,” he kept saying. I felt safe with Craig and I knew that if the retreat got to be too much emotionally for me, he’d simply scoop me up and take me home. There’d be no shaming or pressure, I wouldn’t even have to tell him why. The safety he offered was enough for me to agree to accompany him.
I did not understand all the traditions, which made me feel awkward and out of place. I thought everyone attending were seasoned meditators, like Craig. This, of course, pushed my not-good-enough buttons. I just wanted to stay in our room and pull the covers over my head.
Practice Seva
The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.
Mahatma Gandhi
Seva is a Sanskrit word that means “together with.” It is the act of selfless service, doing for and with others as a collective, without regard for the outcome or benefits. In many cultures, offering Seva is considered an honor and a privilege.
I found that the others, and most especially the teachers, were loving, supportive, and kind. I began to relax. Then, I was asked to sign up for my Seva contribution. I could choose to help prep meals, clean up the kitchen after meals, make tea for the teachers, keep the toilets stocked and clean, or ring the reminder bell at various times.
My reaction wasn’t pretty. I was mortified and went crying to Craig, “Why do I have to work? Didn’t we pay? What’s the deal?” I moaned and sobbed. He laughed and then realized he’d neglected to tell me about Seva and the tradition of serving without expectation, recognition, acknowledgment, or payment. We were expected to do the chores with grace; after all, it was an honor.
Hummm! That didn’t jive with me, and I wanted to go home. But Craig’s loving support encouraged me to at least try. I signed up to help prep lunches and ring the afternoon bell. I was shown what to do and when, and then we returned to silence.
The entire five days were humbling on many levels. It was my first real opportunity to consciously meet my ego. My back hurt, my mind wandered endlessly, I was bored and wanted a nap, and 6 am came way too early.
Speaking with the teachers was encouraging. They listened without judgment and reassured me that what I was experiencing was normal, especially for first-time meditators.
Let Go and Just Go with the Flow
In time, I began to let go and just go with the flow. Even though no one spoke while I was prepping for lunch, I felt the camaraderie of being part of a team. I poured my love into each vegetable I chopped and each pot I stirred. Ringing the afternoon bell was a sweet meditation as I softly whispered, “Come, come, join us,” over and over.
Initially, I wanted to go home, curl up with my book or crossword puzzle, and watch TV. But I didn’t. The days flew by, and I felt a new sense of wonder.
No, I didn’t meditate for an hour early every morning. Craig urged me to create my own practice. Sometimes I’d sneak out and sit in the garden and listen to the morning. Sometimes I’d lay in bed and practice the breathing exercises. Sometimes I’d do mindfulness walking meditation.
My life changed that weekend. Over the years of sitting with other teachers and attending other retreats, I’ve created and massaged my own meditation practice. It is ever-changing as I learn new and wonderful ways to meet the Divine.
Do you have a meditation practice? If so, would you be willing to share that here? And if not, are you interested in creating a practice? If so, how can I help?