I’ve never met anyone who, if telling the truth, hasn’t experienced guilt. Many carry guilt around, declaring it part of the human condition.
Guilt can be a helpful emotion reminding us that we may have made a mistake, like neglecting to pick up milk for breakfast or forgetting a friend’s birthday or anniversary. With a sincere apology, the guilt fades.
Why do we hang on to guilt?
When I ask myself and others this question, the answers are always like this:
- I’ve never lived up to my expectations of myself or that of my family or friends.
- I’ve made mistakes. I’m a bad person.
- I feel imperfect and unable to reach any level of perfection.
But here’s the truth: it all boils down to one fallacy: I’m not good enough.
When you are guilty, it is not your sins you hate but yourself.
~Anthony de Mello
I had a debilitating health crisis and found myself feeling a great deal of guilt–I thought that I had caused this condition. I realized in hindsight that I made choices that affected my health. I didn’t deal well with stress. I ignored the red flags that indicated my body wasn’t happy.
Guilt: A painful emotion experienced when one believes one’s actions or thoughts have violated a moral or personal standard.
~American Heritage Dictionary
When we think we’ve done something wrong that may result in causing pain and hurt to another, guilt can naturally arise. The Venerable Thubten Chodron explains that guilt is also the ego’s way of saying, “Look at all of the bad things I have done. I am no good (enter shame), and I don’t deserve any happiness.”
Our task is not to rid ourselves of guilt but to notice and to make peace with it. Making peace with guilt creates inner rest, which helps us avoid getting pulled into that web of not-good-enough.
So, how do we avoid getting trapped by guilt? We become aware of and accept what we want to change: to let go of guilt. Awareness brings our feelings into the light. Acceptance helps us surrender to these emotions in a nonjudgmental, compassionate way.
The Two Monks
Two monks were walking to a nearby village when they came to a swift-moving river they needed to cross to get where they were going. They noticed a young woman trying to cross as they approached the river bank. Both of the monks had taken a vow not to touch a woman, but when she asked for help, without speaking a word, the senior monk lifted her and carried her across, gently depositing her on the other side.
The two continued their journey in silence, but after some time, the younger monk spoke up and asked why his companion had broken his vow. The senior monk replied, “I left her on the river bank. Why are you still carrying her?”
Don’t Drag Me Down
When asked how he got rid of guilty feelings, the Dalai Lama replied, “I didn’t. They’re still there. I just don’t allow it to drag me down.”
Not allowing guilt to drag you down, letting it go starts with forgiving yourself. Forgiveness is the foundation for inner peace.
If we are unaware of our thoughts, they can drag us down, and we will continue to schlep them around as if they had some worth. We tend to chastise ourselves for past mistakes as if the act of doing so somehow alleviates our guilt.
Feeling that I caused my health crisis didn’t help me or anyone. I learned to accept the sensation of guilt but to set it aside and not allow it to drag me down. I forgave myself and have moved on. I no longer give my Emotional Healing Practice (breathwork, movement, meditation, journaling) lip service and take it for granted like I was doing. I learned the power of embodying mindfulness and using the tools to strengthen my commitment to live a life of love and compassion.
With courage, practice, and patience, we forgive ourselves and thus leave our guilt there on the river bank. We choose to embody our true nature of unconditional loving kindness.
Ho’oponopono: The Hawaiian Healing prayer for forgiveness
This is the original healing prayer created by Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona. Start by getting settled in a comfortable, safe space and take four deep, intentional breaths. Morrnah suggests you read this out loud four times.
Divine creator, father, mother, son as one… If I, my family, relatives, and ancestors have offended you, your family, relatives, and ancestors in thoughts, words, deeds, and actions from the beginning of our creation to the present, we ask your forgiveness… Let this cleanse, purify, release, cut all the negative memories, blocks, energies, and vibrations, and transmute these unwanted energies to pure light… And it is done.