Do You Want Me To Listen or Tell You What To Do?

When my teenage daughter was upset, you knew it. She stomped in the front door and down the hall to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. In a few minutes she came out, sat down, arms crossed, pouting. Her torrent of angst put all of us on edge.

Because she’s my kid, at times like this, all I want is to help ease her pain. I desperately want to fix it. No, wait, the truth is, I need to fix it, to prove to myself and maybe to her that I am an okay mom. At this point, I didn’t even strive for the best mom. I gave that up when she was 12. 

Her tantrums then and outbursts today push all those buttons that scream, “You’re a rotten mom!” 

Hey, come on, give me a chance, I’m doing my best, I cry quietly to myself.

Many times, I fantasized about jumping into my car, driving into town, finding the kids who were harassing my daughter, and reading them the riot act. But I didn’t. 

Instead, I said things like, “Okay, sweetie, calm down, take a few breaths.” and offered her a glass of water. 

She, of course, rejected it all. “Don’t tell me to calm down. I can’t calm down!” she screamed dramatically. 

Finally, I sat beside her and slipped my arm around her shoulders. I took a deep breath and, as gently as possible, asked her to tell me what happened. It was usually a mixture of events, some version of: they called me names, they ignored me at lunch, they teased me about my name, I didn’t get invited to the party, and my boyfriend dumped me. 

Oh, the sensitivity and drama of teen angst.

It was challenging to follow her story. Her constant sobs blurred her words, making her incoherent. But still, I listened and followed along. I sat there, quietly praying for guidance while nodding my head and patting her on the hand or knee. I was at a loss for words. What do you say to help a teenage girl who is in the midst of a meltdown?

I felt utterly powerless.  

Meanwhile, Active Listening

During this time, I was studying a technique called Active Listening. I was excited about offering this service to friends and family as well as anyone in need. It was going to be my new career.

The technique simply involves asking the client a set of specific questions. These questions were designed to create a space where the client feels safe. The client was anyone who was feeling confused or agitated about some emotional issue. Maybe they had a fight with a mate or friend, maybe they hated their job but were unsure as to what to do, or maybe they felt a vague sense of despair and didn’t know why. 

Actually, the things that people bring to the table aren’t all that different from what my daughter struggled with.

I was excited about this opportunity to learn a new skill and maybe even apply it to my own life. The training wasn’t difficult and kept my interest. We met as a group once a week. The instructor went over the set of questions and replied to any questions we had. And, like many areas of study, we were required to do practice sessions with each other—getting and giving feedback. Was my technique helpful? Why or why not? Where could I improve? 

As my excitement grew, I reached out to my husband and a couple of friends, asking if I could practice this technique with them. Not surprisingly, all were eager to help.

My confidence was building.

The training had two Golden Rules that we had to adhere to. There were no exceptions. Both rules pertain to privacy and confidentiality.

1. Never launch into the questions without the other person’s permission.
2. Never repeat what the client disclosed.

Rule number 2 was easy, naturally I wouldn’t share information with others. But number 1 proved to be more challenging. As my training progressed, the questions became second nature. I used them on myself and experienced clarity and emotional release. The process was subtle, but for the first time, I was using a tool I could rely on to bring the changes I wanted into my own life. The technique was so easy, so natural, and so unique, I wanted everyone to have this opportunity. 

Always Ask First

I found out the hard way that not everyone wanted to participate in this technique. Once, a friend yelled at me when we were talking. She thought I was analyzing her because I unconsciously started asking her the questions. Once I realized what I did, I apologized, and we moved on—yes, we are still friends. But the sting hurt enough for me to wake up and pay attention. 

My daughter was well aware that I was doing this training. How could she not? I talked about it all the time. If I wasn’t talking about it, I was doing a session with someone. 

My second wakeup call was assuming she would benefit from the questions, and again, without asking, I started using the technique with her. 

One evening her friend dropped her off and she stomped into the house and did her angry, pouty thing. I had been practicing Active Listening with friends most of the afternoon and feeling good about my progress. So when she sat down and told her story, without thinking, I blurted out the question: How did that make you feel? 

Bam! Just like that, in moments I was transposed from a loving mother to the evil idiot who used her daughter to practice her stupid listening technique. 

“I hate you!” she screamed as she stomped down the hall and slammed her door shut. To this day I don’t know how our home withstood all that stomping and slamming.

I screwed up, I didn’t take the time to tell her about the technique nor did I ask if she wanted to try it out. To her, my question came out of left field. “I hurt,” she cried, “How do you think I feel?”

Lesson learned, the hard way, always ask first. Do you want me to listen or tell you what to do? Ask first, even if the other person is your teenage daughter.

Today, when she needs to vent about some aspect of her job or her life, I’ve learned the best thing I can do to support her is to listen. I listen with my heart and put my need to fix the situation aside. 

Deep Heart Listening

When we heal something in ourselves, we heal it for the world.

David R Hawkins

I embarked on this self-awareness journey many years ago because I was hurting emotionally, and like my daughter, I just wanted the pain to go away. Active Listening was one of my first types of training. The emotional progress it offered inspired me to keep going and deepen my commitment to good emotional health.  

Going further with my practice, I learned Deep Heart Listening, a technique for listening from a deep, receptive place, creating a safe, nonjudgmental environment in which to offer help. It is similar to Active Listening but more inclusive, gentler, and a more thorough process. The training for Deep Heart Listening required that I come from an open, loving heart, listen to my intuition, and rely on my guides.  

I step back and let the Universe lead the way.

Gabrielle Bernstein

I am grateful for the opportunity to have studied with some inspiring teachers over the years, including my daughter. Through her demand that I listen and not offer advice or solutions, I learned the value of simply listening with an open, compassionate heart.