Why Won’t You Talk To Me?
I am picky about who I let cut my hair. I only want to work with a talented hairstylist skilled in cutting and styling my naturally curly hair. I’ve had some horrendous results from less experienced stylists, like uneven cuts, unattractive shaping, and disastrous use of hair products.
Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts.
Jim Morrison
I have a dear friend, Daniel (not his real name), whom I love dearly. He has been a supportive champion in my life for many years. Daniel is also an excellent hairdresser. In fact, that is how I met him.
My beloved husband, Craig, and I traveled in 2003 to visit our daughter, and I desperately wanted to have my hair trimmed. My daughter trusted Daniel explicitly, so off I went. Daniel did not disappoint! I walked out of his salon with a beautifully shaped cut that perfectly framed my face. We had a delicious conversation, and I could tell he was caring and gentle.
This was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Not only a talented hair stylist, Daniel is one of the kindest, most generous souls I have ever known. When we finally moved here to be near my daughter, and Craig was in hospice, Daniel came to our home, did a dry shampoo, and trimmed Craig’s hair and beard. He also brought Craig chocolates. He became family to us.
In 2023, during the months after receiving my arthritis diagnosis, Daniel and I spoke often and texted regularly. He was always kind and encouraging, promising to visit soon and do my hair. But that day has yet to come.
My initial disappointment was acute. I cried while ranting about what a liar he was, swearing he never meant those words. Then I’d switch, slipping deep into my pity pot, blaming myself for being such a selfish, shallow friend. Back and forth, back and forth, I teetered till whiplash set in.
Down the Rabbit Hole
Have you ever called or texted a friend, someone you communicate with regularly, and when they don’t respond, you wonder what you did wrong? It’s an old, old pattern of mine that will take me down the rabbit hole of self-pity in a hot minute if I’m not paying attention.
I learned that Daniel had a lot on his plate: his husband’s mother had died, and his business partner quit without notice, leaving him to serve all of her clients. I wanted to be patient and to trust our friendship. Someplace in my heart I knew his abandonment was not personal. Yet my ego-self kept popping up insisting it was.
Feeling that I had done something horribly wrong and was unworthy of anyone’s attention is a pattern that has plagued me since childhood. This pattern has proved to be debilitating and often disastrous.
Your self-worth is determined by you. You don’t have to depend on someone to tell you who you are.
Beyoncé Knowles
Dealing With the Feelings
The first step towards healing was to recognize that I was lost in this cycle of assuming I was wrong and unworthy. Becoming aware that my emotions are neither good nor bad, but rather messages from my soul, pointed to places within that were calling out for healing. The messages opened the door to accepting these feelings.
Making peace with our emotions does not mean stuffing them away or denying them. Our experience with feelings is authentic and often uncomfortable. We remain slaves to our distressing emotions until we take charge of the discomfort and work with the feelings rather than resisting them. It’s the resistance to feeling our emotions which causes discomfort.
Finding relief and inner peace comes when we are willing to face our emotions, fully experience them, and accept them. This process reveals the beliefs that hold us hostage to the past, leading us to the heart of the matter: our own humanness.
This process of finding acceptance works, offering the opportunity for emotional freedom: to be at peace and capable of coming to rest with whatever feelings come up. Thankfully, feelings do pass, and by finding acceptance, they’re not as likely to be so overwhelming next time.
As much as I’d love for Daniel to come here and cut and style my hair, I am at peace with his need to do what is necessary to bring peace into his life. I know in my heart it’s not personal; it is not about me. Even if I said or did something that resulted in his decision to take a break from our relationship, it’s still not about me. In fact, it’s none of my business.
When someone says or does something hurtful, it is up to me to decide how I feel and what action, if any, I want to take. Yes, I did make the choice for my feelings to be hurt when Daniel didn’t follow up with his promise. My work is to become aware of my feelings, accept them, and move on through them. Feelings aren’t facts; they’re simply a part of being human.
Every human has four endowments – self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom… The power to choose, to respond, to change.
Stephen Covey
Awareness and Acceptance: A Simple Practice
This is an exercise to help us become aware of how we are feeling and learning to accept those emotions.
Start with a few rounds of intentional breathing: inhale, hold, exhale.
When ready, look around your immediate environment. Look all around, taking time to notice everything you see, hear, feel, and smell.
Take out your journal and reflect on the following questions. Note any emotions that may arise as you do so:
- What do you see?
- What do you hear?
- What do you smell?
- Is there a taste in your mouth?
- How do things such as clothing or furniture feel as they touch your skin?
- What emotions do you feel right now?
- Am I okay with what I feel or am I judging myself?
Just breathe and rest. There is no right or wrong.