I sit at my computer, watching the little cursor blink, blink, blink, patiently waiting for my hands to make contact with the keyboard. I yearn for just the right words, words that will encourage and offer support for my readers.
“What shall I write?” I muse. “What great knowledge shall I share today?”
Then another thought pops up, “Who am I, anyhow, to think I have words of value for anyone?”
Indeed, who am I?
I am a woman in her 7th decade who has experienced many of life’s ups and downs. Like so many, I’ve been traumatized, criticized, and demonized. I’ve also experienced unconditional love, genuine appreciation, acknowledgment, and deep respect.
My readers tell me time and again that my words matter. Whereas my ego-self loves these words of praise, I feel a certain hesitation. Why? Imposter syndrome? Yes, to a certain extent. But it’s more than just my insecurities; I really want to help.
Very few of us get through life unscathed. Some say that the down times are the lessons we are here to learn and that life becomes richer and more fulfilling by acknowledging and working through these not-so-fun times.
The downs I’ve endured have taught me a lot about healing and moving on with my life. My willingness to weather the storms of those downs resulted in some wonderful ups. I regret nothing.
In my first marriage, while separated and going through a divorce, the ups and downs were a regular daily occurrence. My then-husband’s job required that he travel all over the country; my young daughter and I rarely knew where he was. He missed birthdays, accomplishments, and important life events, often without acknowledgment.
He refused to pay child support, saying, “You’ll just waste it on partying.” What single parent has time to party while working two jobs to pay rent and put food on the table?
Working On Myself
I can do nothing for you but work on myself…you can do nothing for me but work on yourself.
Ram Dass
Gratefully, I had the emotional support of close friends. One of those friends, I’ll call him Joe, practiced Zen Buddhism and was wise beyond his years. I spent many hours meditating in the small pyramid Joe built in his backyard. His words were compassionate and direct, always leading me back to presence, saying, “Come back to right this moment. What can you control?”
“My reaction to what my husband does or doesn’t do,” I said. These were new and uncomfortable words; I kept wanting to point the finger at my estranged husband for the cause of my misery.
Joe’s guidance and encouragement helped me focus on what I could do instead of on my reactivity. With his teachings, I was able to fully embrace my innate strength, face the downs, and create my own incredible ups.
One of the most important things I learned from working with my Zen friend, Joe, is that this knowledge he shared with me is innate. I didn’t have to move to an Ashram in the mountains of India and sit in quiet meditation for days on end. There was no magic formula to bring the peace I was seeking.
As Dorothy learned from the good witch, Glenda, within any situation, we all have the ability to come home to rest and create the life we want. This awareness is inherent wisdom and has always been available to everyone.
In those earlier years of emotionally supporting my daughter and me and securing our basic needs of home and food, I learned to empower myself to take the next step. I practiced presence by stopping and identifying how I felt. This is when I learned that I have the power to decide how I feel, the choices I have, and what I am capable of doing.
As the years passed, I continued working on myself. As I opened my eyes and heart, I met the most wonderful man, my beloved Craig, and fell deeply in love. These were the most beautiful years of my life.
Opening My Eyes and Heart
Awakening is a word we use in spiritual circles. It means truly opening our eyes to presence—what is right here, right now. Awakening is a word that can easily be misconstrued to mean that all of life’s pains suddenly vanish upon awakening. Not true.
Life brings what it brings, some good stuff, some even fantastic. Some of what we experience is so incredibly painful we might believe we cannot endure. But we can.
The first step to awakening is awareness.
Lee Byrd
Awakening is conscious awareness of our inherent wisdom. Awakening gives us the strength to withstand life’s storms and embrace our innate ability to be here and work through the pain. The practice of awakening takes a conscious effort and a commitment to free ourselves from the chains of the past. When the past is present, it’s not possible to practice presence.
None is deprived of pain here, and we have all suffered in our own ways. I think our journey is all about healing ourselves and healing each other in our own special ways. Let’s just help each other put all those pieces back together and make it to the end more beautifully. Let us help each other survive.
Ram Dass
How can I help you? What jewels and sweet nuggets of wisdom can I share with you? I would love to help you heal in your own unique way.
After all, life is short, precious, and fragile. You, me, and all of us are children of the Divine. We deserve to live the lives of our dreams. I believe that living our dream is what life is all about.