Stepping Into Authenticity

I long to live in a world where I can be me, the real me, and no one else. I long to be authentic and honest and true to myself. I know I am the only one that can make that happen. 

A long, long time ago I realized that the Real Me was not safe. Adults, peers, coworkers, classmates, etc., seemed to indicate that to be approved, to be loved, I’d have to become someone else. So I put Real Me safely away – gently tucking her in a space safe from everyone and everything. I vowed I’d protect her at any cost. 

I told her it was for her own good. I told her I’d come back and get her as soon as it was safe. I told her I loved her just the way she was but that was a lie. She scared me. She knew things and felt things I didn’t understand. 

So I hid her away from everyone, especially from me. It felt like the right thing to do at the time. I needed to protect her.

I began to construct the Not Real Me. This was/is the persona that I’d present to everyone else. The Not Real Me looked and sounded exactly like the Real Me. Not one person, not my parents, my friends, lovers, coworkers, no one realized I’d switched her out.

I groomed the Not Real Me to become a chamaeleon. She was smart and caught on fast. Her ability to change colors and to blend in was astonishing. Not Real Me felt safe, uncomfortable but safe. Whenever we met people we wanted to hang out with and to possibly cultivate a friendship with, we’d figure out what we thought they needed and do that, speak that, go there. Yes, safe but uncomfortable and I wasn’t sure why. Wasn’t being safe the whole point?  

Real Me was never really gone. She became invisible, always hovering in the corner of my Soul. She’d get frustrated, and even angry. Naturally she wanted to be heard and seen. Her frustration would fester and eventually Real Me’s emotions would erupt into a tantrum. The flare ups were unpleasant and sometimes very volatile. They were, of course, always met with disapproval. Sometimes the disapproval came with a hefty backlash – people disappeared from her life. 

I longed to let her out, to merge back into the Real Me. I felt like I was living a lie. But fear ruled and I felt that if there was ever going to be a chance to bring her out for good, I’d have to wait. So back in hiding she went.

What was I waiting for? 

I was convinced that I would vanish, that something worse than death would happen if everyone did not like me. I needed to set things up, to stabilize my life. In order to exist, I needed to get it right. I needed to be the perfect human, the one who was beautiful, smart, talented, kind, loving, generous. I was certain that if I could perfect these traits I’d finally gain the love and approval I thought I needed. Then and only then would it be safe to reveal the Real Me. Oh, my, so much work! But the reward was great, so I persevered.

Then this thing happened. I got sick and I got fired and the life I knew was no longer.

Wisdom is knowing what path to take. Integrity is taking it.

M.H. McKee

I instinctively knew that this physical condition I’d incurred was my wake-up call. It began on my left side – the feminine side, the side of intuition. In energy work the focus of the left side is on the past. Hum! Interesting.

In the matter of a few hours, my body was consumed by inflammation. I could hardly walk. In the words of author Matt Kahn, I was experiencing an allergic reaction to my conditioned state. Everything in my body was out of balance because everything in my emotional body was out of balance.

As is often the case, doctors had no real answers. They recommended drugs which led to side effects which led to more drugs. I was moving in circles, getting more confused and more fearful.

Then I met Cynthia, a Chinese Medicine Doctor. The first thing she said to me was that the inflammation was a result of the trauma that was being held in the cells of my body and that the trauma was screaming to be released. We did needles. And a few herbs. I’m better physically.

Now that I am out of pain and the inflammation seems to be less, now is the time to embark on the emotional part of my journey and to release the trauma.

First I had to recognize that I was in crisis, both physically and emotionally. Then, knowing I was the only one who could restore my health, I made a commitment to my emotional and physical body to heal, to let go and release the past and the trauma. I committed myself to the process no matter how challenging.

I was grieving. I lost my job and the community that came with that job. I lost my income and the stability that came with that. As one of my teachers used to say, I was sitting in the fire.

If I was going to release the grief and trauma, now was the time to actually live, to be real, authentic. I am slowly getting to know the Real Me and integrating her back into my life. I like her. I love her just the way she is. 

Fear: Face Everything And Rise

It is within the fear that I find the courage and determination to rise up and rebuild my life. I vow to:

• Risk feeling rejected and ask for what I need
• Be my own best friend
• Advocate for me, the Real Me
• Let go of the past
• Let go of the trauma
• Take 100% responsibility for how I feel

The hardest part is making the decision to actually live a real and authentic life – not to just give that notion lip service. Being responsible is empowering. It is the truest form of self-care

It is as if my entire life has been a preparation for this time. I’ve been on this journey of awakening for about 50 years. From the years of educating myself (or more accurately, reminding myself what I had forgotten), I have created and honed a daily practice that aids in my recovery. Two important aspects of this are:

• Body Awareness Meditation practice
  https://www.leebyrdmystic.com/about/meditation/body-awareness-meditation-practice-noticing-sensations/
• Self-inquiry Journaling
  https://www.leebyrdmystic.com/self-inquiry-journaling/

But here’s the deal: one must truly commit to a life free from suffering. This cannot be done unless we are willing to take responsibility for how we feel and to know we are the only ones that can make this change. Yes, reach out for help – I have. But commit to doing the work, commit to the life you, the real you, want.

This is your life, your one precious life, what will you do with it?

I am available for private sessions (https://www.leebyrdmystic.com/about/private-sessions/). Together we can map out a plan. I am here to support you on this journey. Emotional freedom is our birthright and it is attainable.