What You Think of Me is None of My Business

Our job, yours and mine, is not to work to have others like or love us–that’s our job, our responsibility. And this is where we have to start. 

About 25 years ago while living in western Colorado, I was part of a group of spiritual seekers. We read books, invited speakers and workshop facilitators in an attempt to be better humans and to gain a greater insight into our true purpose. 

One of our speakers/workshop facilitators was a kind, knowledgeable teacher from the Option Institute in Massachusetts. His name was Ron. We were meeting at our home and going around the circle, practicing speaking our truth, sharing our concerns and feedback with one another from an authentic heart space. Arnie, a man I had met before, sat next to me and my husband was on the other side. When it was Arnie’s time to share, he turned to me and said, “Lee, I don’t like you. I love you but I just don’t like you.” 

His words stung. 

Everyone in the room held their breath waiting for my response. I looked at everyone. I looked at Ron, who smiled compassionately. And then at my husband who was sitting next to me, gently squeezing my had, his eyes full of love. 

The rules that we all agreed upon said that our only reply was to simply thank the person giving the feedback. I turned back to Arnie, smiled while looking him in the eyes and said, thank you, nothing more. We kept our gaze for a few more moments before Ron called on the next person.

I don’t really remember much else about that evening but what I do recall is that I had very mixed feelings about Arnie’s words. Part of me was embarrassed and hurt–I wanted him and everyone to like me. I wanted to scream and say, “How dare you! What is wrong with you–I’m a nice person and I’ve never said or done anything to you!” But I didn’t. 

Another part of me actually felt relief. I knew in my heart that Arnie didn’t like me, I knew this from the first time we met years before. But I discounted that feeling because I thought I was, as some had accused me, overreacting. Again. This was before I embraced my empathic abilities. This was before I learned to trust these gut feelings. Arnie saying he didn’t like me was old news and now it was out in the open and I no longer had to wonder or guess.

The Truth Finally Surfaced

Even feeling relief that the truth, Arnie didn’t like me, had finally surfaced, I still experienced a pretty intense reaction–my gut and throat were tight and I felt a burning sensation in my heart. But during the meeting, I played it cool, even when Ron asked me privately during our break how I was holding up. I kept my reactions to myself–not because I’m a martyr but because frankly, reaction or not, I was not sure how I wanted to respond, I didn’t know what I truly wanted to do or say. 

I remember that when everyone left and it was just Craig and I, I had a big cry–that felt good, cleansing. When time permitted I worked closely with our facilitator, Ron and then with Craig. It took me several days of processing–both in private one-on-one sessions and by journaling–to come to grips with everything I was feeling and experiencing. When I finally did let it go it was as if an enormous weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Over the years since then, I’ve had similar experiences resulting in feeling unwanted, unliked, unappreciated. Everytime I would go through the uncomfortable emotions that naturally rose up, I saw it as an opportunity to see where my work was–I could identify the places within that were unresolved, unhealed, still raw. This exploration of my emotions and asking myself, what is really going on, always led to some version of feeling that I simply was not good enough. It was also an opportunity for me to again recognize that ultimately it was up to me, I was the one who was still believing I was unlovable.

No Validation Needed

Owning this truth was empowering, it enabled me to move away from self-pity and into taking charge of my emotions. I got to decide how I felt and how to proceed.

I spent much of my younger years being a Chameleon–my desire was to be liked and loved by everyone, I fed off of their validation thinking it was the only way for me to truly know I was good enough. I dated men that didn’t respect me, I allowed bosses to demean and bully me, I even had a neighbor who tried to control everything I did by holding her subtle threat of not being liked over my head.

Over the years I put in lots of hard work and successfully repaired my self esteem. I climbed out of that not-good-enough hole that I placed myself in that kept me a prisoner of my past. I freed myself from the story and began integrating my Humanness and my Divinity. 

Yes, it has taken a lot of work and there were many times when I just wanted to give up. The work seemed like it was simply too much and too painful. That’s when I’d throw myself an old fashion pity party. And in time I’d get tired of my boo-hooing and get back to the task at hand–living a life of love and compassion by stepping out of the muck and surrendering to life on life’s terms–learning to go with the flow.

I’d like to say that today life is easy-peasy, no worries. And in many ways it is because I don’t resist what comes. Sometimes I don’t like it, don’t want it–but I don’t resist and this is key! If the emotions persist after I recognize them and allow them, I do some deeper inquiry work allowing me to come back into presence and find rest within. 

Emotional Freedom: Our Birthright

This is emotional freedom. It takes time, courage and a solid commitment to let go of the past and free ourselves as only we can do. You may not believe me but the truth is, you’re in charge here no matter what is happening right now in the present, or what has happened to you. 

What happened to you is not your fault, you are not to blame. But you are totally responsible for how you handle what happened, how you respond to what life hands you.

I discovered that the validation I was seeking from others was fleeting at best–like a drug, it was a temporary fix. I was at a crossroads–I could spend my time seeking the temporary relief or I could dive in and take charge. 

What do you want to do, it really is up to you–keep looking for approval from other people and situations or stop and take charge? The big question is: Do you love yourself?

Not to decide is to decide.

Harvey Cox