“Get used to it!” the doctors said, “It’s not a big deal; it happens with age. Don’t worry, take this pill, and call us in the morning.”
I was diagnosed with arthritis, osteoporosis, and high blood pressure with no real hope of recovery. That was February, 2023.
Fear was in the driver’s seat, steering me down an old, familiar path. My co-pilot was the “What If Gang,” who sang their lovely off-tune songs: What if I’d done things differently? What if I’d finished school? What if I’d saved more money? What if I’d taken better care of my physical and emotional body? On and on, they endlessly drummed!
Resistance ruled. I was consumed by the disappointment of still being here, in this body, the hopelessness of the diagnosis. I begged the Divine to release me from this physical ambiguity of the desire to follow my heart, but my body was not so willing.
I felt hopeless, helpless, and overwhelmed. This was not what I signed up for, damn it! I planned something entirely different for my life—not this unfunctional body and raging spirit wanting so badly to give, teach, and share my wisdom!
Someone said, count your blessings. So I did. I have many things that I am genuinely grateful for, such as my beautiful home on the beach, my many dear friends, food on the table, and the loving support of my daughter and her husband.
So why did I continue to feel such despair? Why did I cry myself to sleep, begging the Divine for this one itsy-bitsy favor of giving me strength, a path, a way out?
Slowly, as my practice of gratitude gathered up my focus, the fear began to loosen its grip. Walks on the beach, breathwork, meditation, and endless conversations with caring, loving friends, helped me to see that the light at the end of this long tunnel wasn’t a dreaded train coming full speed toward me. The many ways I could see the goodness in my life prevailed. I stepped off those dangerous tracks.
I surrendered. The goodness, grace, and light slowly returned. I’m still here.
My focus had been on not wanting to feel what I was feeling. That resistance kept me out of the present moment. I had been so focused on what I didn’t want I didn’t take time to feel those blessings right here, right now.
I needed to get back to what I knew, to what I teach and help others with. I needed to walk my talk.
Rolling up my sleeves, asking for help, being receptive to others’ suggestions, and facing the fear head-on helped me to find my groove again. I am reminded of who I am and what is most important: HEALING.
Healing starts with the awareness and acceptance of my resistance. Healing requires trust even when I don’t understand the why of what is happening. To heal the physical requires healing the emotional. Starting with gratitude helped me prioritize what’s working, what can heal, and what can help me move beyond my resistance.
I surrendered. And I’m still here, grateful for this one precious life.
Focusing on the goodness in my life and what I’m grateful for, I see that life is beautiful. Fear and resistance kept me in the dark, not allowing me to enjoy the life I have. This one precious, fragile, beautiful life.
Coming Back to Presence through Gratitude: A Self-Inquiry Practice
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. ~Melody Beattie
This is a simple journaling exercise to help focus on the things in your life that really matter, the things you are truly grateful for. I suggest you start with three or more rounds of simple, intentional, deep-breathing exercises. This will help you to focus.
Follow this up with a short body awareness meditation to strengthen and clarify your awareness.
When you feel ready, take out your journal.
- What are you truly grateful for?
- Why?
Once finished, set your list aside. Read it every day and note any changes. Are there more items for which you are grateful? How are you feeling now?