When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more.
The Loss Foundation
Over the centuries the great awakened teachers have told us that pain is an inevitable part of life. They remind us that suffering, which is the resistance to life and what is here now, is our choice. Learning to sit in the discomfort of the fire (the pain) is the way we find true inner peace.
I, like many, initially found this confusing. At first it seemed counter intuitive – why would I sit in pain? I don’t want to hurt, how can that possibly be helpful? I want out of the pain, I yelled!
At the time of my husband’s death and during the days and miserably lonely nights, months, years that followed, I could not see anything but the pain. And all I wanted was to feel good again.
When I am completely lost in my misery, my ego-self defies any and all rational thoughts, despises all attempts from self or others to find resolve. The door to compassion shuts. This, I believe, is what some refer to as Hell. At moments like this, I have bought into the Ego’s lies and, as I said, rational thoughts be damned!
John Lennon
I have (finally) learned the meaning behind these words. Suffering is a direct result of my resistance to what is arising here now. The cause of my suffering is not the pain but rather my inability to meet the pain as it is unfolding in my life.
Yes, painful situations happen (divorce, abandonment, death, loss of job, home, etc.), they are an inevitable part of life. I would never dismiss or minimize anyone’s sorrow but I have discovered that indeed, suffering is a choice. When we place our spiritual, mental, emotional well-being in some outside condition (marriage, job, car, home, etc.), we are not taking responsibility for our own welfare, our peace, joy and comfort. We are, instead, hoping that the external world will bring us the peace and rest we crave.
Change is inevitable and it can be painful and it can be scary.
Yes, I hear you, it hurts and you don’t want it here so how on earth can you be okay with this? You cry in anguish at the loss of your child; fear clutches your heart. How can that be acceptable? These words will not bring you any release, it will not bring your child back. But if you have faith, if you trust, you will find the light. As they say in AA, let go and let God.
During those bleak times following his transition, the only comfort I found was in the words of the Awakened Ones and their message was the same, have the courage to meet this pain, again and again; spend time with God, get quiet and listen with your heart. This too shall pass. And it did.
There is only Love. Love is our natural state, it can be ignored but it can never be denied. Most of us have been taught that we can only be content when the world around us favors us with what we want. So, we get that great job, new car, awesome townhouse and our joy abounds for hours or days or even months but eventually this fades. Then the ego leans in and whispers, “you need more!” And in the blink of an eye, we are off searching for another fix, another something-something to bring comfort.
It isn’t the having of things that brings us trouble, it is our attachment to these things, attachment to the belief that these things will bring us the peace we seek. This is suffering.
The truth is, nothing is permanent, every thing dissolves or dies, even loved ones. And at the time of their demise, it is of no comfort to hear, “he will always be with you.” Or, “there will be another (job, car, home, man/woman, etc.).” I am not suggesting that there is a place where it never ever hurts. Pain is inevitable, it is a part of this great life. But there is pain and there is suffering–suffering is always our choice. Always. And this Truth can set you free!
I am living proof that we can indeed learn to be with the pain and not suffer. I have embodied this Truth. I am truly Blessed!
So, start here, right here where you are now, give yourself this gift, take a moment, become aware of your breath and of your heart. Breathe.
- Sit quietly and bring your awareness to your breath.
- Notice how the breath feels on the inhale and then on the exhale.
- What do you hear? Smell?
- How does the air feels against your skin?
- Bring your awareness in to your physical body and notice what sensations are present. Be the observer and simply notice what is here.
- Drink some water. Consider journaling your thoughts. Remember, be tender with yourself.
This is a beautiful, sometimes wild but always amazing path. Come, take my hand, together we will meet what is here. Together we will travel to the core, to the heart of the matter.